About The Bureau of Very Slow News
The Bureau of Very Slow News is a mock newsroom that reports real cosmic and geological events with the breathless urgency of a breaking-news channel, except none of the stories will resolve within your lifetime, or your civilisation's. Continents inch apart, distant stars edge toward collision, ice sheets advance a finger's width: all genuine processes, reported live, none of them in any hurry.
The premise plays two clocks against each other: the frantic, minute-by-minute rhythm of modern news against the vast, patient timescales of astronomy and geology. The headlines are drawn from real phenomena like plate tectonics, stellar evolution and orbital mechanics, so alongside the joke there is a steady drip of genuine science about how slowly the universe actually moves.
To use it, read the bulletins as they tick over. There is nothing to refresh for and everything to wait for. Check back in a few million years for the follow-up.
Questions
- Are the events real?
- Yes. The bulletins are based on genuine astronomical and geological processes, reported as if they were breaking news.
- Will any story ever conclude?
- Not on any human timescale. That is the joke: real events unfolding over thousands to billions of years.
- Is it educational?
- Somewhat. Alongside the humour it surfaces real science about plate tectonics, stellar evolution and orbital mechanics.
The network
The Bureau of Very Slow News is one of a small webring of tiny, useless, hand-made sites called Boring Websites, each doing exactly one pointless thing:
- Today's Rock — one 3D rock a day, the same for everyone
- Sandpile — a live pile of sand that avalanches forever
- Just Skedaddling — a generative artwork best left alone
- The Bureau of Tiny Approvals — stamp absurd petitions
Contact
Questions or hellos are welcome on Mastodon at @boringinline, or via the project source on GitHub.